wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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