mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
