Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
