I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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