we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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