Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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