Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
How naked do you want me to be?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
