TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
