The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
