It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
