I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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