Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
