When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
