The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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