I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
