If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
