The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
