I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
