Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
