I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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