The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
