At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
