it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
