I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
