I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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