Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
