you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
