Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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