I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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