Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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