He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
