rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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