I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
