I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
