woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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