One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
