Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
