Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
