I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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