Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
