I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
