And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize