Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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