Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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