Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
