so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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