My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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