3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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