i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You ate ashes out of my bong
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
