There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
