Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
