So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
