Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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