Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
