I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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