Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
