ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
