i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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