this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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