my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
